THERE WERE A few times in his life when Nigel Owens would turn around to see his friends looking back at him with suspicion in their eyes.
PA Wire / PA Images
PA Wire / PA Images / PA Images
‘A dodgy stomach’ was his usual excuse when they asked, and because his system of concealment rarely failed him, they believed what he said.
There were no worrying signs in his body shape to give the game away either, which helped him keep it all hidden.
Aside from those occasional close-calls, Owens was meticulous about his movements.
When the moment was right, he would slip off to the bathroom after a meal, stick his fingers in his mouth, and force himself to throw-up the food he had just consumed.
And if the risk of getting caught was too high indoors, he would simply head out to a nearby field and do what he felt compelled to do.
He was just 19 years of age when he started what he thought was an effective form of dieting.
Over the next two or three years, it spiraled into a dangerous obsession, which later became his secret illness.
I didn’t know what bulimia was until I heard somebody mention it in the rugby club about someone they knew who was suffering from bulimia,” he tells The42.
“That’s when I realised, ‘bloody hell, that’s what I’ve got.’
“I wasn’t suffering from anorexia, so I wasn’t looking thin. I could see at a time I was very thin, but then I started going to the gym and putting muscle on, so I was hiding it.
“You couldn’t look at me and think I had an eating disorder, you’d have to see me being sick to find out.
“If it was to happen to me now, most people will know what it is because the awareness of it has risen thankfully.
“And with social media and the internet, you can pretty much Google and find out whatever you’ve got really.
“But that wasn’t about when I started suffering from it 27 years ago.”
That absence of awareness during those early years of suffering from bulimia, is part of why Owens agreed to get involved in a BBC Panorama documentary which will be aired this evening.
‘BBC Panorama: Men, Boys and Eating Disorders,’ investigates the increasing number of men and boys who suffer from these mental health conditions in the UK.
PA Wire / PA Images
PA Wire / PA Images / PA Images
Throughout the course of the programme, Owens meets a number of males who are living with different forms of anorexia and bulimia, to hear about their experiences.
He also talks to the family members who are trying to help them through their recovery, as well as experts who specialise in the treatment of eating disorders.
Owens was struck by the harrowing details of the different case studies, and the bravery of the individuals who spoke candidly about their stories.
“I was surprised at how brave they were. I suppose I wasn’t surprised (in another sense) because I had been open about my issues in my life and I suppose it’s a sign of the times now.
“And it’s a good thing when people can feel, particularly in men and boys, that they feel they can be a bit more open about things. It was good to see that.”
“I was surprised at the hell they’d been through really rather than being surprised that they were being open about it.”
“In a little bit of selfish way, it was quite comforting for me. I realised how lucky I was even though I still have an eating disorder, I haven’t suffered (like the case studies in the programme)
Apart from the first few years when it was very intense, I really haven’t suffered as bad as a lot of kids.
“It made me realise how lucky I feel. It hasn’t really affected those around me as it has affected both the people in the programme and their families as well.”
Among the case studies that feature in this documentary, include a boxer who develops bulimia as a result of mismanaging his weight-cut before a title defence fight. He talks about feeling unwell at the weigh-in, before subsequently losing his title by getting knocked out in the third round of the bout.
Elsewhere, we meet 25-year-old James who suffers from anorexia nervosa, a condition which forces the sufferer to try and maintain a low weight by restricting their food intake.
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In James’s case, he also exercises to excess to help keep his weight down.
During this particular segment, James explains how he is constantly tormented by a compulsion to limit how much he eats.
He tells Owens about the relentless ‘voice’ in his head that tells him to continue punishing himself.
“You can’t have an hour, or even 10 minutes without it. You’re battling yourself all day and it’s self-destructive.
The goal of it is to strip everything from you, and eventually kill you.”
We also meet another man called James who recovered from anorexia, before later developing bulimia. Owens, of course, can identify with some aspects of James’s condition, but some of James’s symptoms are more serious.
James is in the process of recovery, but while discussing his situation with Owens in the programme, James talks about binge eating in his room and then making himself get sick into buckets afterwards.
James would store these buckets in a wardrobe and then empty them the next day in secret.
PA Archive / PA Images
PA Archive / PA Images / PA Images
Unlike Owens, who only throws up the food he has eaten, James continues purging himself for hours after reaching that point.
As a result, he requires medication for stomach acid and his teeth have been damaged by the excessive vomiting.
Luckily for Owens, his experience has been less damaging.
I used to make myself sick for the best part of two or three years, pretty much nearly every day and sometimes two or three times a day after every meal.”
“I made myself sick until it all came back up but then I would stop. After there was nothing else to come up, I’d stop then until the next meal.
What I was taken aback with James was that for a couple of hours after all the food had come back up — and they’re wasn’t much food in there anyway — he was bringing nothing back up really, just bile and acid and stuff like that, which was causing the damage.
“That’s where I was very fortunate. Because I was bringing up the food from my stomach and not bringing up anything when there was nothing there, I was lucky then that I haven’t suffered from those side effects. I didn’t go that extra length really.”
“I can’t imagine how horrible that’s been for him.”
The origins of Owens’ struggle with bulimia incorporates a range of issues including coming to terms with his homosexuality, his struggle with depression, and problems with body image.
He also made an attempt on his life which he narrowly survived.
Owens believed that he was over-weight, and after losing four and a half stone, he noticed a change in how people looked at him.
“Gay people I knew when I was overweight wouldn’t look at me, but then when I lost this weight and started putting some muscle on, people would take more notice.”
The physical experience of vomiting is painful for most people. But while Owens suffers from that sensation as well, he also feels a sense of comfort and relief.
The process of getting sick, offers him a sense of reassurance that he is safe from any potential weight gain.
Sometimes it’s painful but also as well, that painfulness was offset by the relief of knowing that I wasn’t going to get fat because I had gotten rid of what I’d just eaten.
“That was me dealing with the pain of actually being sick then.
“On the odd occasion, I would bring something up that wasn’t there a couple of times. That was painful and I didn’t continue with it. Once it became too painful, I kind of stopped then and knew that I didn’t need to carry on.”
At one stage, Owens also developed a condition called colitis, which is a bowel problem that causes inflammation of the inner lining of the colon.
Now armed with a genuine reason to make regular trips to the bathroom, Owens’ colitis ultimately facilitated the scourge of his bulimia.
“Colitis is where you have to go to the toilet when you need to go. You can’t hang about because you can’t control your bowels when colitis flares up. So, that was an excuse as well for me to go to the toilet and cover it up.
When I was eating food, I would go to the toilet and pretend my colitis was flaring up, but I was actually going to the toilet to make myself sick.
He added:
“It had a huge effect on my quality of life because I constantly have the worry of putting weight on. I constantly have the worry of what I’m eating and if I’m eating too much and then going to make myself sick.
“You go to get sick for 10 or 15 minutes, so you miss out on the company of your friends during that time.
Towards the end of the documentary, Owens speaks to a Doctor who treats patients who are living with an eating disorder.
During the course of their discussion, the rugby referee opens up about his own battle with bulimia.
It was an unplanned diversion in the conversation, and it was the first time that Owens had sought any kind of professional opinion about his illness.
I’ve always felt until this programme that I’ve been in control,” he explains. “But actually, I’m not in control because if I was in control, I’d prevent it happening now still.
“I suppose in one sense, I’m slightly in control because it doesn’t happen every day.
“When I do overeat and make myself sick, I’m not in control. I might think that I’m in control by temporarily keeping the weight off or losing weight by making myself sick and then I can stop when I’ve lost the weight.
It’s just a vicious circle, so I guess, I really am not in control.
Despite not getting any treatment in the past, Owens was afforded some respite from his eating disorder for a period of around four years.
The loss of his mother to cancer prompted him to resist the temptation of purging himself after eating, and it appeared as though he had defeated the bulimia.
His resilience however, started to weaken in the build-up to the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
I realised that my Mum was dying of cancer and she had an illness that she could do nothing about and she was fighting it every day to spend more time with us as a family before she passed away.
“And I was making myself ill from an illness that I could do something about in one sense.
“It came back again then when I needed to lose two or three kilos in order to get myself in peak condition to pass the fitness test leading into the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
“It came back then because I made myself sick to keep my weight down and to lose the weight in order for me to pass the fitness test.
The pressure of refereeing and getting to the World Cup, and the pressure of having to pass the fitness test and getting older, which makes it more difficult, brought the bulimia back then.”
The programme uncovers some startling statistics in relation to the impact of eating disorders on men and boys.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rates of all psychiatric conditions. And of the 1.6 million people currently living with an eating disorder in the UK, around 400,000 of them are believed to be men.
The waiting time for treatment among male and female victims of eating disorders varies from one week to 28 weeks, with some waiting for almost a year to get therapy and treatment.
The number of men being referred to eating disorder services for a first assessment has jumped by over 40% in Britain between 2014 and 2016, based on research conducted by the programme.
And in relation to the presence of eating disorders in sport, male elite athletes are 16 times more likely to develop an eating disorder compared to non-athletes, according to the documentary.
There are a few key lessons that Owens wants viewers to take from this Panorama documentary.
He hopes that the programme will shatter the misconceptions about eating disorders as being a women’s only problem. This in turn will hopefully empower other male sufferers to confront their eating disorder issues and seek medical help.
He hopes that the information will be of some assistance to families and friends who are trying to help a loved one overcome their battle with an eating disorder.
And while he appreciates the efforts of those in the National Health Service (NHS), he hopes that the Government will do what is needed to invest more resources in this area, and ultimately conquer these terrible diseases.
“It’s not a sign of weakness to talk about the issue because only when you accept that you have the eating disorder and the mental health issue, you’ll be able to talk about it and seek the help and expertise for it, you’re going to have the best chance of recovery from it.
Hopefully, they’ll realise that it’s very common and it’s not a sign of weakness to admit that you’ve an eating disorder or a mental health issue. When you do admit it, then you can take the next step and start telling people and get help. “
“Also, it (the programme) will hopefully raise the awareness for friends and family that they can keep an eye on somebody. They can then know more about it and know what to keep an eye.
“And if they do think somebody is suffering from it, to try and help that person to seek the right help for it.
“The other side of it is to raise awareness that the Government needs to put more resources into this specific area because it is a huge issue.”
‘BBC Panorama: Men, Boys and Eating Disorders’ will be aired on BBC One and BBC iPlayer tonight at 8.30pm.
If you need to talk, contact:
Pieta House 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie (suicide, self-harm)
'I used to make myself sick pretty much every day for two or three years'
THERE WERE A few times in his life when Nigel Owens would turn around to see his friends looking back at him with suspicion in their eyes.
‘A dodgy stomach’ was his usual excuse when they asked, and because his system of concealment rarely failed him, they believed what he said.
There were no worrying signs in his body shape to give the game away either, which helped him keep it all hidden.
Aside from those occasional close-calls, Owens was meticulous about his movements.
When the moment was right, he would slip off to the bathroom after a meal, stick his fingers in his mouth, and force himself to throw-up the food he had just consumed.
And if the risk of getting caught was too high indoors, he would simply head out to a nearby field and do what he felt compelled to do.
He was just 19 years of age when he started what he thought was an effective form of dieting.
Over the next two or three years, it spiraled into a dangerous obsession, which later became his secret illness.
“That’s when I realised, ‘bloody hell, that’s what I’ve got.’
“I wasn’t suffering from anorexia, so I wasn’t looking thin. I could see at a time I was very thin, but then I started going to the gym and putting muscle on, so I was hiding it.
“You couldn’t look at me and think I had an eating disorder, you’d have to see me being sick to find out.
“If it was to happen to me now, most people will know what it is because the awareness of it has risen thankfully.
“And with social media and the internet, you can pretty much Google and find out whatever you’ve got really.
“But that wasn’t about when I started suffering from it 27 years ago.”
That absence of awareness during those early years of suffering from bulimia, is part of why Owens agreed to get involved in a BBC Panorama documentary which will be aired this evening.
‘BBC Panorama: Men, Boys and Eating Disorders,’ investigates the increasing number of men and boys who suffer from these mental health conditions in the UK.
Throughout the course of the programme, Owens meets a number of males who are living with different forms of anorexia and bulimia, to hear about their experiences.
He also talks to the family members who are trying to help them through their recovery, as well as experts who specialise in the treatment of eating disorders.
Owens was struck by the harrowing details of the different case studies, and the bravery of the individuals who spoke candidly about their stories.
“I was surprised at how brave they were. I suppose I wasn’t surprised (in another sense) because I had been open about my issues in my life and I suppose it’s a sign of the times now.
“And it’s a good thing when people can feel, particularly in men and boys, that they feel they can be a bit more open about things. It was good to see that.”
“I was surprised at the hell they’d been through really rather than being surprised that they were being open about it.”
“In a little bit of selfish way, it was quite comforting for me. I realised how lucky I was even though I still have an eating disorder, I haven’t suffered (like the case studies in the programme)
“It made me realise how lucky I feel. It hasn’t really affected those around me as it has affected both the people in the programme and their families as well.”
Among the case studies that feature in this documentary, include a boxer who develops bulimia as a result of mismanaging his weight-cut before a title defence fight. He talks about feeling unwell at the weigh-in, before subsequently losing his title by getting knocked out in the third round of the bout.
Elsewhere, we meet 25-year-old James who suffers from anorexia nervosa, a condition which forces the sufferer to try and maintain a low weight by restricting their food intake.
In James’s case, he also exercises to excess to help keep his weight down.
During this particular segment, James explains how he is constantly tormented by a compulsion to limit how much he eats.
He tells Owens about the relentless ‘voice’ in his head that tells him to continue punishing himself.
“You can’t have an hour, or even 10 minutes without it. You’re battling yourself all day and it’s self-destructive.
We also meet another man called James who recovered from anorexia, before later developing bulimia. Owens, of course, can identify with some aspects of James’s condition, but some of James’s symptoms are more serious.
James is in the process of recovery, but while discussing his situation with Owens in the programme, James talks about binge eating in his room and then making himself get sick into buckets afterwards.
James would store these buckets in a wardrobe and then empty them the next day in secret.
Unlike Owens, who only throws up the food he has eaten, James continues purging himself for hours after reaching that point.
As a result, he requires medication for stomach acid and his teeth have been damaged by the excessive vomiting.
Luckily for Owens, his experience has been less damaging.
“I made myself sick until it all came back up but then I would stop. After there was nothing else to come up, I’d stop then until the next meal.
“That’s where I was very fortunate. Because I was bringing up the food from my stomach and not bringing up anything when there was nothing there, I was lucky then that I haven’t suffered from those side effects. I didn’t go that extra length really.”
“I can’t imagine how horrible that’s been for him.”
The origins of Owens’ struggle with bulimia incorporates a range of issues including coming to terms with his homosexuality, his struggle with depression, and problems with body image.
He also made an attempt on his life which he narrowly survived.
Owens believed that he was over-weight, and after losing four and a half stone, he noticed a change in how people looked at him.
“Gay people I knew when I was overweight wouldn’t look at me, but then when I lost this weight and started putting some muscle on, people would take more notice.”
The physical experience of vomiting is painful for most people. But while Owens suffers from that sensation as well, he also feels a sense of comfort and relief.
The process of getting sick, offers him a sense of reassurance that he is safe from any potential weight gain.
“That was me dealing with the pain of actually being sick then.
“On the odd occasion, I would bring something up that wasn’t there a couple of times. That was painful and I didn’t continue with it. Once it became too painful, I kind of stopped then and knew that I didn’t need to carry on.”
At one stage, Owens also developed a condition called colitis, which is a bowel problem that causes inflammation of the inner lining of the colon.
Now armed with a genuine reason to make regular trips to the bathroom, Owens’ colitis ultimately facilitated the scourge of his bulimia.
“Colitis is where you have to go to the toilet when you need to go. You can’t hang about because you can’t control your bowels when colitis flares up. So, that was an excuse as well for me to go to the toilet and cover it up.
He added:
“It had a huge effect on my quality of life because I constantly have the worry of putting weight on. I constantly have the worry of what I’m eating and if I’m eating too much and then going to make myself sick.
“You go to get sick for 10 or 15 minutes, so you miss out on the company of your friends during that time.
Towards the end of the documentary, Owens speaks to a Doctor who treats patients who are living with an eating disorder.
During the course of their discussion, the rugby referee opens up about his own battle with bulimia.
It was an unplanned diversion in the conversation, and it was the first time that Owens had sought any kind of professional opinion about his illness.
“I suppose in one sense, I’m slightly in control because it doesn’t happen every day.
“When I do overeat and make myself sick, I’m not in control. I might think that I’m in control by temporarily keeping the weight off or losing weight by making myself sick and then I can stop when I’ve lost the weight.
Despite not getting any treatment in the past, Owens was afforded some respite from his eating disorder for a period of around four years.
The loss of his mother to cancer prompted him to resist the temptation of purging himself after eating, and it appeared as though he had defeated the bulimia.
His resilience however, started to weaken in the build-up to the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
“And I was making myself ill from an illness that I could do something about in one sense.
“It came back again then when I needed to lose two or three kilos in order to get myself in peak condition to pass the fitness test leading into the 2015 Rugby World Cup.
“It came back then because I made myself sick to keep my weight down and to lose the weight in order for me to pass the fitness test.
The programme uncovers some startling statistics in relation to the impact of eating disorders on men and boys.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rates of all psychiatric conditions. And of the 1.6 million people currently living with an eating disorder in the UK, around 400,000 of them are believed to be men.
The waiting time for treatment among male and female victims of eating disorders varies from one week to 28 weeks, with some waiting for almost a year to get therapy and treatment.
The number of men being referred to eating disorder services for a first assessment has jumped by over 40% in Britain between 2014 and 2016, based on research conducted by the programme.
And in relation to the presence of eating disorders in sport, male elite athletes are 16 times more likely to develop an eating disorder compared to non-athletes, according to the documentary.
There are a few key lessons that Owens wants viewers to take from this Panorama documentary.
He hopes that the programme will shatter the misconceptions about eating disorders as being a women’s only problem. This in turn will hopefully empower other male sufferers to confront their eating disorder issues and seek medical help.
He hopes that the information will be of some assistance to families and friends who are trying to help a loved one overcome their battle with an eating disorder.
And while he appreciates the efforts of those in the National Health Service (NHS), he hopes that the Government will do what is needed to invest more resources in this area, and ultimately conquer these terrible diseases.
“It’s not a sign of weakness to talk about the issue because only when you accept that you have the eating disorder and the mental health issue, you’ll be able to talk about it and seek the help and expertise for it, you’re going to have the best chance of recovery from it.
“Also, it (the programme) will hopefully raise the awareness for friends and family that they can keep an eye on somebody. They can then know more about it and know what to keep an eye.
“And if they do think somebody is suffering from it, to try and help that person to seek the right help for it.
“The other side of it is to raise awareness that the Government needs to put more resources into this specific area because it is a huge issue.”
‘BBC Panorama: Men, Boys and Eating Disorders’ will be aired on BBC One and BBC iPlayer tonight at 8.30pm.
If you need to talk, contact:
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‘It will be absolutely huge for sport here’ – The legacy of the Women’s Rugby World Cup
Star rugby ref Nigel Owens opens up on bulimia battle
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